Miért hallgat Isten? Miért nem válaszol, kételyeinket miért nem oszlatja el?
Vannak időszakok, amikor Istentől bőséges üzenet árad. A Bibliát olvasva magamra ismerek, hozzá fohászkodva megértést érzek. Nem is csak érzem, hanem a választ meg is tapasztalom. Sokszor váratlanul, szokatlan helyeken, különös időpontokban. Persze sosem egészen adja magát, mert azt nem bírnám elviselni.
Vannak viszont időszakok, amikor csak a csöndet tapasztalom. Isten néma hallgatását. Ez az a csönd, ami a legszörnyűbb tapasztalat lehet egy keresztyén számára. Mikor Isten nem szól. Szürke homályba burkolózik. Mikor elvesztettem valakit, akit szerettem. A halál közeledte ez. Mikor azokban csalódom, akikben addig a legerősebben bíztam. Ezek azok az idők, amikor még a levegővételben sem bízhatok. Szokták mondani, hogy kicsúszik lábam alól a talaj.
Ilyenkor úgy érzem, a csöndnek sosem lesz vége. Talán Isten nem is létezik? Ha él, miért nem jelzi felém jelenlétét? Ő azt ígérte velünk marad minden napon. Lehet velem van a baj, de mégis honnan kellene tudnom? Nem érzem, nem tapasztalom, emlékeim elhalványulnak, csodái megszürkülnek. Kapott áldásaim mintha átokká lennének. Kérdéseimmel magamra maradtam.
Vajon mi a célja Istennek a csönddel? Miért engedi, hogy elbizonytalanodjak? Büntet talán, vagy csak úgy megtörténnek a dolgok, bármiféle ok vagy cél nélkül? Ez a titok, a csönd misztériuma.
Nem tudhatom Isten céljait velem. Tapasztalhatom csupán, hogy a csönd után mennyivel üdítőbb az új üzenet. Aki nem ismeri az igazi éhezést, képtelen értékelni az ételt. Egy hosszú út után pedig a forráshoz találni felejthetetlen élmény. Valahogy így vagyok én is Isten titkaival.
KTGy
Várok, hogyha váratsz, megyek, ha terelsz, maradék szemérmem némasága ez, úgyse hallanád meg, hangot ha adok, sűrü panaszommal jobb ha hallgatok.
Tűrök és törődöm engedékenyen: mint Izsák az atyját, én se kérdezem, mivégre sanyargatsz, teszem szótalan, szófogadó szolga, ami hátra van.
Keserüségemre úgy sincs felelet: minek adtál ennem, ha nem eleget? miért vakitottál annyi nappalon, ha már ragyogásod nem lehet napom?
Halálom után majd örök öleden, fölpanaszlom akkor, mit tettél velem, karjaid közt végre kisírom magam, csillapíthatatlan sírok hangosan!
Sohase szerettél, nem volt pillanat, ennem is ha adtál, soha magadat, örökkön-örökké sírok amiért annyit dideregtem érted, magamért!
Végeérhetetlen zokogok veled, ahogy szoritásod egyre hevesebb, ahogy ölelésem egyre szorosabb, egyre boldogabb és boldogtalanabb.
Pilinszky János – Örökkön örökké
Írj nekünk! Messengerben, vagy emailen: tapolcairef@gmail.com.
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